I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
