My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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