so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
