I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
