Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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