my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
