I am spending my child support on dildos
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
