He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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