Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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