Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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