dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
this hospital has no fireball
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
