why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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