Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
