Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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