yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Randomize