My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
