good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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