he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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