can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
