seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
