Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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