I got chris browned last night
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
