He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
