My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize