How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize