my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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