haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
