I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
