i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
