dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
