I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
