Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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