I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
