As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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