oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
