Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
