so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
