he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
