I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
