Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
