i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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