my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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