I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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