youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
