eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
