just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
