i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
