My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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