The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
