I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize