New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Boobs speak an international language.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
