I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
