I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
