i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
