We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
