3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
