i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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