my phone needs a breathalizer
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
