I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
