these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
