I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
