I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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